I will give my ever popular/unpopular program on gift-giving at the Redmond and Seattle groups this week. People react very emotionally to gift-giving especially when their family is in crisis. Parent don't even realize how strongly they feel about gift-giving until it's questioned. Which doesn't happen much this time of year. Look around you, gift-giving urgency permeates all our media. Give your child what he's always wanted. Make a wonderful Christmas for your child. Show what a successful, loving parent you are by giving THIS.
I suggest that parents examine their gift-giving behavior around their acting-child at Christmas time. Does it make sense to continue with your stressful generous gift-giving. I also warn to put aside your anger, don't express your fury and frustration through gift giving. No lumps of coal!
But consider this: Your child does not need these xmas gifts. These gifts are not an indication of the parent's love or commitment. We do it because we want to do it, our child expects it, everybody expects it.
You could turn this into an opportunity to indicate to your child that 'things have changed'. Your behavior is changing. Things will be different.
Give your child socks for Christmas. They can still be freely given in a respectful manner nicely wrapped.
No explanation.
At this point, a certain number of parents in the audience will fall off the emotional cliff. What! You can't be serious! What kind of parent am I, if I don't be generous at the holiday?
You COULD be generous but you choose not to.
Many parents don't want to change and don't recognize the gift-giving as a great opportunity to change things up and demonstrate new boundaries. Secretly, they may harbor the view that if they get their acting out teen just the right thing, get them what they 'really want', maybe they will be grateful and stop their acting out behavior. If I just buy them an I-phone, etc.
Some parents might feel that this would be letting go of that last hope of their family healing itself. Or possibly one more demonstration that the parents have the power of money that they can gift generously. You might be acting out but *I* still have the bucks.
Others say "but what about my other kids, do I have to do this terrible things with them too?". You are only demonstrating to the acting out child that things have changed, shouldn't affect your behavior with your other kids if you don't want. "What about grandma? She always gives him several hundred dollars" That's ok, this is only between your child and you, you don't need to interfere with what grandma does.
Many parents are terrified of the anger of their child if they don't come through with the big bucks item. I drag out G's story, a mom who dearly wanted to please her acting out son. Her team advised against it but she was determined to give him an IPOD (a few years ago). So she did. He dismissed it disrespectfully and told her it was NOT THE RIGHT KIND! Parents talk of their trepidation about what their child will do when they see the socks. But generally, the acting out kid accepts the gift. Probably you don't want to exclude the acting out child from family observances and festivities, you don't have to. Just change the gift.
I put some hope in at the end. Likely, in the future, they can return to generous gift-giving if they wish. Just not right now.
Then I use a checklist done by a Changes member many years ago. About the things that your child might do this holiday season.
such as:
___The Police will call you
___Child may ruin a holiday meal
etc
It ends with
____A family member will nag you to death
____A family member will nag you just short of death and you will give in. Your team will find out!
____None of the above. My children are no responsible members of society. after I changed my behavior, my previously obnoxious child/spouse/others saw that the above behaviors would no longer work and they changed too.
Thanks to Jean Baker who wrote this piece! That 'team may find out' line always put me in stitches of laughter.
Photo of just some of the advertising circulars from yesterday's paper.
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