Being involved with the parent group has exposed me a lot to drug use among young people. Parents are often tempted a lot to minimize drug use....
"oh, a little marijuana is no big deal"
"I did that kind of thing when I was his age"
"They all do it"
"At least it's not hard drugs"
"I'm sure my son isn't using, he tells me he hates that kind of stuff"
I've become radicalized about drug and alcohol use. There is NO PLACE for it, period. No time when it's ok.
Having gone through this myself, I believe that the biggest indicator of drug use is "Things don't make sense". Everything's topsy turvy. Hard to quantify.
The drug use involves all members of the family. It affects everyone. Easy to say that doesn't happen. But when you become enmeshed in the whirlwind of drug use, you begin to see. Marriages are strained as spouses blame each other. Siblings feel compromised. The rhythm of your home disrupts. Nobody feels safe. People come and go, you don't even know them. Things (including money) go missing. You can't believe that you allowed things to get this way. You cover up. You get used to it.
I went to an emergency team meeting last night. In the group, if you feel like things are really out of hand, you can call an emergency meeting. That means right now or close to it. The spouses in this family really blame each other for their son's out of control behavior. The dad wants to hold the line, the mom wants to help. Always the belief if you just help a little bit more, the addict will see the light. I'm sure we all felt that this might be a replay of many team meetings.
But, like many team meetings, it went a different way. Time to realize that the son's addiction is tearing the family apart. The family has insisted that the addict cannot live in their household (he's 19). But, he's extremely persistent and, yet again, he's back. Demanding entitlements, being verbally abusive, making no effort to get a job or find his own housing. Dad last night gave a great imitation of the kind of phone call that the son waits for every day. "Hey, yeah, want to hang with...sure...yeah let's do it...I'll be there" and he's gone.
One thing that I remember, which struck me, was...an addict is always waiting. Waiting to find the next source, waiting for the evening to go out, waiting for the next phone call. Waiting. Sleep until the afternoon becuase you are waiting.
So the team suggested recognition of the addicts role in the family's destruction. Time for alanon, time for big time interface with experienced drug counselors. This family has already participated in x number of programs on behalf of the son. But now, it's time to get help for yourself.
"Not once a month, like 3 times/week" said R
Do what you have to do to get the son out of your house. Generally the plan is to remove the family's resources or home to the young person to force them to fend for themselves. As long as you let them live with you, why should they worry. But, recognize in this case, that you have to preserve the family. Even rent him a small apt for six month while you seek help. Usually I would never recommend this because you enable to young person's dependance. But sometimes the addiction is too strong. You must preserve the family.
As you go along with this process, the steps become more and more difficult. More than you could ever imagine.
Picture stolen from the narconon weibsite, used without permission.
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