Photoessay #2560 - Verbal Abuse

Specifically between teen/young adults and their parent.  And more specifically, the parent recognizing verbal abuse.

We have a belief in our culture that teenagers have license to be rude and abusive.  The operative command to parents is that first, you must listen to what your teen is saying.  We expect them to be nasty and they don't disappoint.  We shrug our shoulders and say "Oh well, she's just being a teenager." As if that entitles them to do it.  We don't set appropriate boundaries.  We give them the message that it's particularly ok to unload on your parent.

One feature of parent group is that you can more easily recognize verbal abuse in another family when you are completely clueless about yourself.  For example, a parent can identify another teen screaming at her mother "Why are you so weird about things, it's none of your business!" as verbal abuse but not see it when her own daughter screams the same thing.

It's crazy, even experienced parents don't pick it up.  They worry that their child might be unhappy, that they might not like their parent, that their parent has injured them, that they just need to express themselves, etc etc.  But the young person is abusing them and they don't need to listen to it.  There are no 'teachable moments' in hateful accusatory angry exchanges.  Most people, young and old, continue to be verbally abusive as long as it works for them.  If they get what they want, if there's no consequence for being verbally abusive, party on!

So don't make it work for them.

But first, you have to recognize it.  Even if it's so obvious to a third party, you might not see it.  That's one reason why writing down conversations afterwards can really help you.  You might realize then that your child really said something nasty, hurtful and manipulative.  And if you start to argue, you're lost because you will never win an argument.  Maybe through intimidation, physical or otherwise, but that just sets up the next round.  You will never ever get the last word.

You dis-engage and leave.  Best if there's some consequence.  Make it not work for them.

I had lunch with a friend whose family has recently suffered a substantial loss.  She wants to cut her 16 year old daughter some slack.  But when the child ends her tirade with "I'm right and you know it!" why that's a clue right there that there might be some verbal abuse going on.

Just saying.

When we look back on it, we wonder how we missed it for so long.

Picture taken from an ehow.com site; used without permission.