I'm working with a mom whose 17 year old son rejects all attempts to help him. He's got an assortment of disorders and has spent a large part of his adolescence in the juvenile justice system. She has taken this all personally (who wouldn't?) and has been ceaseless in her search for something that will work for him. Or more likely that he will use for himself. The downside of such devotion is the emotional abyss that accompanies repeated disappointments and failures.
Many many people have tried to help him. Right now, he's close to being thrown out of drug rehab. Again.
Do his actions shame his family? That implies some pretty strong suffering. Does the necessary detachment that this mom has to do to sruvive with her own life intact mean that she has to reject the idea that his choices shame her?
I think so.
Here's some writings I've picked up about shame. It's strong mojo....
We have all done things that we later wished we had not done, but what is the difference between having that decision be a learning experience…and becoming shame, where we won’t even talk about it. Shame is a very real and very negative part of our society. It keeps people from truly being their best, from being happy. It causes people to reach out for substances to numb their existence so they don’t have to deal with their shame.
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. It’s the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do, an ideal that we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection. “I’m not worthy or good enough for love, belonging, or connection. I’m unlovable. I don’t belong.”
The last few days, I've been hobbling around with a sore knee. When I'm hurting, it's hard to write. However my doctor thinks it's just a sprain and should get better on it's own. Good news!