Photoessay #1886 - Gift-giving

Tonight and tomorrow night, I give my most unpopular program at Parent Group:

Gift-giving with acting-out kids

Questioning holiday gift-giving can drive people off the emotional cliff more than just about anything else.

I usually make at least person visibly upset or, as Freda who is in a leadership position says "make a number of us distinctly uncomfortable".

I question why we, as parents, give material purchased gifts to our children at the holddiay season, specifically Christmas presents. Very in-grained culturally, the idea of a good Christmas, pleasing your children, indulging in generous behavior, giving into demands and expectations. Once you really start going into it, you realize how complex it really is.

Are you afraid of not satisfying your acting-out child? Making them angry? Is there a little part of you holding onto the idea that if you just get them that IPad or other consumer item, that this could make the difference?

What if you didn't give gifts? Or you gave a very small gift. The traditional Changes parent gift is socks.

You can think of a lot of punitive reasons that you probably wouldn't want to see yourself thinking. Don't go there.

Your child does not really need those items on their Christmas List (think about it, isn't that a terrible invention!!). They'll be just fine. Consistent with the Changes idea of changing yourself, not giving Christmas gifts could demonstrate in a very dramatic way that

THINGS HAVE CHANGED!!

As one parent mentioned recently "Instead of me trying to figure my son out, he's having to figure ME out."

Don't let this opportunity go by for you to really showcase that YOU have really changed and in the direction of not trying to satisfy your acting out child's demands.

Not for punitive or retaliatory or bad-hearted reasons, but just that, for you, your relationship with your child is changing. Things are not going to run the same way.

Put that out there and these beat down desperate parents are completely appalled.

"I couldn't do that!" they wail. "It's just not right!"

Why not?

"My child will think I don't love them!" they worry.

Really? Coming up with a big ticket consumer items is proof of parental love and affection?

Often we, as parents, are trying to throw a wrench in what's going. Mess up an existing system where teens and young adults are engaging in destructive behavior and likely controlling the household.

You want to make a difference, change things up. Christmas gift-giving is a great opportunity; don't let it pass by. You give the smaller gift but it does not come with a lecture or criticism; nothing like that. Just shows that you are changing your behavior.

This is usually meant by stunned silence.

"what about my other kids? I don't want to ruin their Christmas." I reply that you don't have to. Only change your gift-giving behavior with your acting out child.

And it's not forever. In the future, you can go back to your old ways. But maybe you will choose not to do that.

Another interesting idea that's come up in recent years....Parents giving lavish high priced gifts keep their young adult children in a juvenile position. You can do this because you are so powerful. They can't possibly reciprocate and we are enabling their lack of their own gift-giving. Is this what we really want to demonstrate?

I challenge them to consider it.

Usually nobody wants to talk to me after the program.

But they remember it...they do.

Picture taken refinwery29.com, used without permission