Photoessay #1171 - Back to xmas

I ended up with some pretty happy looking christmas pictures. Looking back at recent pictures, looking for something to write, I was struck by the positive expressions in these shots. The picture I show features three of my four kids (sorry Susanna is out of the shot) plus Danny's girlfriend Jessica.

And two dogs. Teddy who, of course, was participating to the full extent he could and Danny and Jessica's yorkie-poo, Maddie, who is being restrained. When released, she barks and bosses around Teddy who doesn't know WHAT to do about the situation. He's pretty submissive; he just wants to be friends.

Several years ago, we moved up to a more 'mature' method of xmas presents. Away from the Mom and Dad showering gifts mode. I always hated that, so stressful and so unsatisfying and often downright unpleasant. Now we pick names at Thanksgiving. We included Jessica this year. You pick a name. You buy a present for that person, $40 limit. So everybody buys one present and received one present. Seems to me that everybody has plenty and feels good about this arrangement. As a parent, I know that I cannot buy not even one extra present for somebody. If would do that, the whole thing would fall apart. This year I picked Naomi and I brought her an assortment of souvenir grade earrings from Hawaii and some dried sugared pineapple. I received a new caller-id box and a pit bull calendar from Ilana.

I really liked it.

In contrast, Dennis and Ilana attended the annual christmas gathering of his aunts and uncles and other family members. He bought a gift for everyone, spent say more money. But he seemed pleased with it.

I give a talk every year (I joke that it's my most unpopular talk) about gift giving for acting out kids. Basically calling the situation and suggesting that parents stop their generous behavior. Gift giving is a very emotional people for lots of people for lots of reasons. Some people yearn to do it, to please their children, maybe to improve their family life, because they like to do it, because their kids demand it. Those and many many other reasons.

One new idea I got this year. By showering your teen or young adult with gifts, your are keeping them in a juvenile position. If you want them to participate, both giving and receiving, if you give them tons of gifts, they cannot hope to reciprocate. They can never buy that many gifts for you. You are making it difficult for them to move to an adult position. Many people are very unhappy and resentful that their young adult children may not give presents; maybe they should reflect on their own behavior. If your ramp down your own behavior (maybe your are trying to shore up your more powerful position, just a little?), you are opening up an opportunity for your children to participate more fully.

My adult children are looking like they are enjoying themselves quite a bit here....