Photoessay #1888 - Generosity

I gave my gift-giving program at the Seattle group last night. A little bigger crowd, 25.

I realize that gift-giving behavior touches a lot of nerves, in the same territory as sex, money, politics and religion as far as sensitivity.

Two people last night were visibly upset at the idea of giving their acting out child a modest gift. Even though other parts of the celebration would be kept steady:

The child is still fully included in any family event including festive meal or rituals

The child is not criticized or lectured about their behavior.

The parent doesn't act angry.

The only difference is that instead of the lavish display that parents often indulge in, they give their acting out child a very small gift, the iconic 'socks'. The idea is to treat the holiday as an opportunity to demonstrate that 'things have changed'.

One dad last night, questioned quite forcefully why you would set up a situation for an angry outburst during an important family celebration. Aren't you just asking for trouble?

Another parent this morning wondered why a parent might choose to reward a child for NOT making a big scene by generous gifts. One Changes precept is that you don't reward a child or young adult for doing things that they should be doing anyway.

In Redmond on Tuesday, a parent connected this to a particular roller coaster that her daughter was directing, criticizing the parent for not rewarding the daughter enough when she does do appropriate things. It can get so twisted where the child can attack the parent when they act out and when they don't. Either way, you're under fire. The idea here is to abandon incentives.

It always comes back to 'generosity doesn't work'. And we all so love being generous, we're so glad to be able to do it and it makes us feel so good.

Alas

Some parents also try to control through generosity and that almost always brings heartbreak.

I introduced this alternative view of holiday gift-giving to another parent a few weeks ago in a team meeting. The mom kept shaking her head "No no no, I couldn't do that. no no no". This couple has 3 sons 16-25 with the middle son as the starchild. They used Christmas as a buying spree for electronics. The dad felt that maybe this could be a good idea. I pointed out that her sons were not really children any more. When I talked to her last night she thoughtfully said that this elaborate gift-giving was really for her own benefit and she reflected that her sons probably didn't really like all that stuff they bought.

One grandmother fairly new to the group looked very upset at the idea. She was in my small group; "My husband and I have always prided ourselves on our generosity to the children. Now I see that I'm going to have to go home and think about this."

That's the idea anyway. No right or wrong way to do it. If you want to continue your elaborate gift giving, it's up to you. You might think of the message that you are giving for a child or young adult with destructive or violent behavior.

And it's a great opportunity to signal that "things have changed'.

Children of parents in our group are likely older than the child in the illustration,. But sometimes we forget that.

Picture used without permission from christmasdeals.org