Yesterday I attended three team meetings for parent group.
Interesting, the three teams did not have anybody in common; I was with different people all day. Also another member had had a moveout the previous day (Parent Group members carefully planned an event where an adult son's belongings were moved out of his mother's house). It usually involves many people; all day I heard versions of the event from different people who had been there. Parent group usually doesn't do many moveouts, years can go by and we don't ever do it but there's been a whole bunch lately. In this case the young man was there and it went smoothly. Non-violence is strictly oserved.
Just to give an idea of what teams talk about
Team meeting one for a single mom with a 19 year old daughter. This mom has been working with her team for at least six months. Daughter has anxiety and drug problems and has completed inpatient treatment and is now living in transition housing and holding down a nearly full time job. Daughter has been abusive and disrespectful and the team has encouraged the mom that the daughter cannot live with her. This mom and the daughter have a close warm relationship in a lot of ways and it's so hard for the mom to hold the line that the daughter cannot live with her. The daughter expects to enter college soon and also expects that her parents will pay for everything but this is not possible for the mom to pay much. The ex-husband often destabilizes the situation and initiates a triangle with the mom always looking bad. One team member suggests that all email that comes from the ex-husband should be vetted by the team member. She'll let the mom know if there's something she needs to do anything about. Much of the meeting was spent drafting a letter to the daughter being as clear as possible about what the mom will and will not provide. The team members agreed that living in sober housing and holding a job showed huge progress for the daughter and would be actually better than attending college at this time.
I have decided not to include anything about the second team meeting.
The third team meeting was for a couple with a 22 year old son in college. the parents have rescued the son constantly monetarily and a dynamic has developed where the son demands money and the parents give in. Parents want to stop but it's so hard. This is a new team and we've been meeting weekly. Last week, the parents expected the son to ask for money for food. We made a plan which sorta worked and sorta didn't. The result is the dad bought some groceries to the son. We talked over how that situation developed. The dad really wanted to give the son some notice so the team and the parents drafted up an email which clearly laid out about giving money for food. Team members suggested that the son would not starve and there likely was a food bank nearby. Then the team challenged the parents to really think through what they really were willing to offer the son for next semester. No magical thinking like "Well if he got a job and was really trying." Nope figure out nothing is really going to change between now and January. The couple's homework is to really figure that out. The most important part of the meeting was challenging the parents to think differently about their son. They are used to describing him in negative terms and those expectations color the ensuing events. The team suggests that the parents endeavor to change their own view of their son as a capable responsible young adult even if they have fake it. The team mentioned a stand from another mother to an adult son "I will embrace the idea that my son CAN live independently". She had to work very hard to get there but the son IS now living independently.
Such is the nature of parent group teams
Photo used with permission as long as I credit thegoldguys.blogspot.com/ or www.lumaxart.com/
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