Photoessay #840 - Catastrophizing

One issue that affects parents of acting out teens is 'catastrophizing'. Something happens and we automatically assume the very very worst. Or assume that the teen will (for sure!) return to the same behavior as previously.

Except probably worse. And then what! And then what!

And you're off to the races prematurely getting all upset about things that aren't even happening. Since, if you are a member of this group, you likely already have experienced a lot of trauma and disruption and lots of bad things HAVE happened, you just cannot afford to become upset about things that might not even happen.

We have a list of parents and, if you ever face crisis and don't know what to do. you can call another parent on the list at any time of day or night. So M called me last night at 10:30PM. All upset because her 16 year old drama-prone son had just left the house. He'd made curfew but now announced that he might break up with his longtime girlfriend and left the house.

Mom called very upset. What to do? Very worried and scared!

It was time for her and her husband to go to bed!
They had to get up early!
Who knew when he would come home!
What if he stays out all night!
Then he might sleep in!
And not go to school!
And then he's going to fail at his new school!
etc etc

Triggered by previous behavior where son had intentionally failed out of the private Catholic high school.

Wow, I told her, stop catastrophizing. He walks out the door and you already have him flunking out of school. Lock the door like usual and go to bed. None of this has happened yet. Maybe it won't.

Subsequently, mom realized that she had left her cell phone in the car. She went outside to fetch it. Son was sitting in a car outside the house with another young person who mom knew. After a bit, son came in and went to bed. As far as we knew, son went to school.

Mom calls this morning, what to do now? I suggested doing nothing as nothing had really happened. We talked about how this activity had triggered the catastrophizing, jumping to all kinds of conclusions. Destructive exhausting behavior.

Often, not always, parents who have been working our program awhile see some improvements in their teen's behavior. Things don't seem to fall off the edge like they did before. It's a change but sometimes hard to see if the teen's changing or the parent's perception is changing.

Avoiding to catastrophize can help...and keep you a lot calmer too!