Parent Group Story - J

I have been active in an intensive parent support group for the last seven years. I would like to share some stories.


Eight months ago, J, now 16, was constantly verbally abusive to his parents. He would demand money from Mom daily. He had almost convinced Mom that Dad was really the problem and they should just move out and abandon Dad. Dad was angry, wanting to be punitive. Mom would do anything to appease her son. He was failing school, likely using drugs, not coming home at night.

They joined Parent Group and formed a team, having weekly team meetings and regularly attending the Wednesday meeting. Dad was especially motivated but he always wanted to include Mom's concerns and worries. They stopped criticizing each other and had a few sessions of family counseling. They started spending a lot more time together and found they liked that. They came up with some strategies for the son's verbal abuse mostly involving removing themselves and No ACE (Advice, Criticism, Explanations). Especially no explanations from Mom and no criticism from Dad. They started spending their evenings together at the church where Dad did a lot of volunteer work. Slowly the verbal abuse subsided.

After long discussion with the team, they agreed to a generous weekly allowance ($45). Mom finally felt strong enough that, if they gave this allowance she could refuse his demands for money. They implemented this and, after some testing by J, with Mom replying "You have money", he accepted the allowance. After several months, they realized that what they wanted was to motivate J to earn his own money, they stopped the allowance.

They stepped out of the school struggles, letting him know that it wasn't their concern whether he attended school. This was mainly a fake because they really did care.

J had some legal offenses including a drug possession and domestic violence against Dad. The parents agreed to Diversion. At this point, Mom was still afraid to ride in the car with him, fearful of verbal abuse and Dad asked parent group members to ride with him in the car with J to the hearings. The Diversion officer gave J a number of conditions including re-enrolling himself in school, getting a drug assessment and following recommendations and counseling. J was cooperative though it became clear after a number of months that Diversion did not follow up and there was little consequence to not meeting the requirements. J did get himself into a different school but his attendance was spotty. He eventually did have a drug assessment (which showed a pattern of use) but did not follow up. He was often away overnight and he did steal some household items. After six months, the parents realized that J was only slowly partially fulfilling the requirements and nothing else was going to happen.

The parents filed an ARY, carefully crafting the petition with the team's help. The ARY was granted though the first few hearings were rough (judge blaming parents, making some racist assumptions). Parent Group members advised diligence and patience. Parents filed some contempts, judge ordered two days of Work Crew. J did one, didn't bother doing the other. Next hearing, he was repeatedly disrespectful to the judge, she ordered electronic home monitoring. The purge was seven consecutive days attendance at school.

J decided that he wanted to join a six week wilderness program for youth where they get paid minimum wage for working in the woods doing trail maintenance. There was an entrance fee. Team advised parents to step aside and let J make the arrangements. J worked with juvenile court to get the monitor removed after his perfect days of school attendance. He arranged with another parent to lend him the entrance fee and give him ride to program. Parents said they would sign permission papers but did not advise him nor did they offer any assistance. As of today, he had made arrangements with the court himself, packed up himself and is off to the outdoor program in a neighboring state. It's all his own doing.