Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Photoessay #1 - My father late in life


My father, in his home in Wesley Willows taken June 2006. He passed away April 19, 2007 on my birthday. He's in his last year of life in this picture. Did he know? He was so withdrawn during his last years. He made it clear that there was nothing that we needed to talk about. There was nothing in my life that interested him. Possibly the academic progress of my kids. And his own life was his own affair, not for me to share.

He was so keen on defeating death, having survived many illnesses over the previous 5 years. Maybe he knows that the next health crisis was imminent. I believe that he was glad that I had come to visit. However, he was not interested in interacting with me any more that was strictly necessary. He didn't want me to take his picture.

My father was often angry and seeking control. He was especially focused in making sure that I did not have any control over his life. It was a lifelong struggle between us, the father intent on imposing his will, the daughter forever defying him. We could never break out of this.

The mail was one of his last bastions. Only he was allowed to look at the mail. Eventually he lost control of that, he stopped paying the bills some months before his final health crisis but did not admit it.

He looks like his father in this picture. He greatly admired his father and always aspired to be as brilliant, knowledgeable and accomplished as Harold. He felt that he never quite measured up. At the end of his own life, he had the severe manner but lacked his own father's grace and humor.

revised 5-31-7

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

sample comment from sandy

Sunrise Sister said...

I read "Diamonds....Lucy" regularly and since you mentioned there that your blog is relatively new, I paged through to view your posts.

Your words in this piece about your Dad touched me - I too wonder if in my mother's last days, totally wrapped in an alzheimer's nightmare, she knew of her imminent demise. I hope she knew and I hope she told each one of us how much she loved us and how happy she was going to be released from her dark prison of being.

Thanks for your posts.

azure said...

Sunrise Sister,

I have not figured out how to write back to you....here's my reply

Thank you very much for your comments. Kayce's blog inspired me to do this. I wanted to write on a more regular basis and this seemed to me to be the way to do this.

I don't believe that my father had those moments of self-reflection. He was too involved with asserting his will as always. I don't think he ever had any moments of insight, he just did what he had always had done.

But thanks for reading, I so appreciate the comments.

Sunrise Sister said...

Hi Azure, I paged through your blog thoughts this a.m. and realized you had archived your pictures already (which is a fine thing to do) but I was concerned you did not receive my comment and now I see that you did.

I think that if you click on the underlined name of the person who sent you the comment, you will be taken to their site. Good luck - blogging is for the brave, whoops I almost wrote for the brazen:)