Photoessay #2882 - Moving out (cont'd)

A family I'm working with, their 19 year old son is drifting in alarming manner.  Only child; they're fiercely committed to him.  But he dropped out of high school, stole money and wine from them, sometimes verbally abusive, comes and goes.

They're besides themselves, they so want him to 'progress.'  What does that mean?  Go to school or get a job or do something!  But, despite their best and dedicated efforts, they have been unable to 'motivate' him.  By changing their behavior and working together, they've stopped most of the verbal abuse and the thefts.  Supposedly this year he has been 'going to school' high school completion at a downtown center for mostly homeless kids.  It's taken them awhile to realize that he's really not going to school at all, maybe he drops by there from time to time.

He disappears for days at a time, then shows up at home for a few days.

What to do?

They recognize that their providing a safe haven is enabling his unproductive potentially dangerous lifestyle.  They start planning a moveout,  where they give him a letter 60 days out, saying he must move himself and his things by a certain day and time.  If he doesn't, people from parent group will be there to move his things.  To a storage unit and he gets the key.

In this case, the parents wished to do a subsidized moveout, they will pay so much per month for so many months to help him pay the rent wherever he goes;.

The parents insist they are ready.  But as the date approaches, they, especially the mom, becomes heartsick and so full of grief.  How can they 'throw him out'?  Especially the mom, she recognizes that he has some learning disabilities, they really question his competency.  Can he really do it?  Will he be sleeping under a  bridge?  The young man has apparently made no plan.

For the zillionth time, they wrack their brain, how can they help him?  What can they do?  Is this all their fault?  It feels so horrible in that huge ache in the pit of the stomach way.  She just can't do it.

So, at the last moment, they call the moveout off (this has been happening way too much). I thought they would be angry at the group, feel it's not working for them.  That seems not the case, they volunteer for some tasks.  But it hasn't given them relief.  The problems still remain and the son has learned that if he looks incompetent and pleads his case, the parents will not follow through.  That's not where they want to be either.

It's so hard because there seems to be no solution that's going to be easy or even effective.

Here's an interesting thing - the offer of money was not effective, did not motivate the son to find a place to live.  Hear that?  Many parents feel this part is essential; that they would feel horrible if they didn't 'help' their young person find a place to live.  Meaning money.  My point is that it binds the young person in the parents with the subtext of incompetency just at the moment where the young person needs to depend on their own wits; to find they own way.  And cutting the money off triggers the pain all over again.

Hard....  They know they are not throwing knives at their child but sometimes it feels that way.