Photoessay #1204 - Education

I'm going to feature a short piece that I wrote as an assignment for my UW writing class. I've read and described it to a number of class members with expected shocked appalled reactions. Showed it to Curtis who suggested a bit more continuity so I've made some revisions.

The assignment was to use scene, summary and musing in a short piece. The very short scene describes a phone conversation I had with a high school official.

The idea for the piece (ie parent group) falls outside cultural norms. Parents strongly get the message that they must make education an extremely strong priority. Children must succeed in school and parents must be involved every step of the way. The key to children's academic success lies in the parent's care and participation.

Parents want to avoid their child becoming a DROPOUT. Such shame and failure.

It's all over the press on and off line. I went looking for a picture to illustrate this piece and found many advocacy groups passionate about improving America's education.

Some goals for parents from the American Promise Alliance chaired by General Colin Powell:

1. Attendance Every Day : Ensure children go to school regularly
2. Achievement Every Year : Monitor and help children make satisfactory progress each year
3. Attainment Over Time : Set high expectations for children and plan for attaining their long-term goals

They sound pretty reasonable, we all want this.

But these tasks can be destructive to families coping with acting out (especially substance abusing) teens. The more parents push, the more conflict in the home. The more parents try to control the more their teen resists.

Because you can't control your teen's education. You cannot control what they do in school. You can't control if they attend school. No amount of incentive will work and consequences don't work well, but you can make yourself miserable trying.

Better for the teen to fail, for them to experience the consequence of their actions. Many more lessons there than continued pitched battles with the parents.

It took me a long time to realize that high school graduations does not matter. You can still go to college, you only have to be 18 to attend community college. In American, many institutions offer high school and GED completion programs.

Here's the piece, let me know what you think----

Education
NOTE: my latest idea is to write about Changes, an intensive parenting group for parents with acting out teens or young adults. I've been working this program for over 11 years. It's not your usual parenting approach but it's helped me and others immensely.

Changes Parent Support Network fosters healthy families by equipping parents with the tools and support they need to change their own behavior. We're talking about the tough stuff including (but not limited to) violence, substance abuse, mental health issues, school failure, verbal abuse, property damage, running away, etc. Standard parenting techniques often don't work with these kids and young adults. Parents cope with frustration, anger, sadness, grief, regret and shame and feel like failures. They are so afraid, for the future, for their child, for their family, for their marriage. At Changes, when parents first come with these huge worries and concerns, we say that "their hair is on fire."

Changes encourages parents to work on changing their own behavior and recognize what they can and cannot control. Don't try to manipulate something that you can't control! Some of the approaches seem counter-intuitive, doing less rather than more, disengaging from manipulative arguments, no advice, criticism or explanations. But always treating their child with respect.

We usually counsel parents to let go of education issues (school attendance, failure to progress, bad grades, suspension and expulsion). Right away, new parents question. Not care about school? How can they not care about school? We have all been taught in every parenting class and all through the culture that education is CRUCIAL for success. Parents feel very responsible about supporting their child's education. Parent's MUST be involved in school. The schools tell us that it's our responsibility to make sure that our child succeed and, if they're failing, parents must intervene.

"How's that working for you?" we ask. "Terrible," they admit. "My child is failing in every class and I just can't let that happen."

Especially if substance abuse is involved, the situation can become so distorted that the parent must stop their enabling behavior; it's the only way that their child is going to life's lessons.

So I tell a little story. I can't tell this story to new people, they just can't get it. We do use black humor. But this story is true, I swear it! I refer to it as my 'pinnacle moment' in parenting.

Of all of my 4 children, my oldest, Danny is the most school able. With even a small amount of work, he goes right to the top of the class. Articulate creative clear writer. Understands math concepts quickly. Has an almost photographic memory for facts.

He started using drugs early in high school though my husband and I were in denial. Living with a drug user usually throws a family in disarray, everybody is affected. Things seem topsy turvy and nothing makes sense. We knew that we could not allow that to continue, especially with three younger daughters. After working with Parent Group for many months we insisted that 18 year old Danny could no longer live with us. He spent 8 months living with other families and on the street before he decided to enter drug treatment.

During this time, I had very little contact with him.


But one day in the spring of 2001, I get a phone call....
"Mrs. Barnes, this is the registrar from Rainier Beach High School. I just wanted to let you know that your son is dropping out of our school"
"Rainier Beach High School?" I exclaim in amazement. "No kidding! I didn't even know he was going there!"
Silence on the other end of the line. I can only imagine what this school official must be thinking.
"Thanks for letting me know, " I mumble.

I'm going to suggest two possible reactions to this story.

A. That is so sad, appalling really. No wonder this young man is dropping out, no support at home. The parent doesn't even KNOW???

B. Snicker, laugh, That's the funniest thing I've heard all day! I m laughing so hard that I am falling off this chair. That's so rich! Hee, hee, that is too good!"

If you answered B, then you are ready to become a Changes parent. The irony and dark comedy of the situation cuts so deep.

Part of our weekly meeting involves each person meeting with a small group of 3 other parents. One evening, I told the story to my small group. Two of the people immediately dissolved into hysterics Those two value education more than anyone I know; one, a retired renowned symphony orchestra conductor and the other an emigrant from Mexico who finished her own education with great determination and has the distinction of having read every single book in our parenting library. They both dearly wanted their grandson and daughter to complete their education. The fourth parent looked uncomfortable wondering why it was so funny.


My son is doing fine now. He's very close to his family and will attend every family event he hears about. He speaks to the Changes parent group chapters and helps represent the group to the community.